Rabbids: The Beautiful 3D Computer Creatures
Have you ever wanted to meet a little funny man inside your Nintendo Wiimote? Yes? Then congratulations, because the future isn't now, it happened in the bygone date of November 6th 2009, with the release of Rabbids Go Home. I remember the day like it was the day of my birth, as it was indeed a religious experience, my mother was having a date night at the Manchester Trafford Centre with her future husband (this was therefore in the period while he was still showering for more than once every two weeks) and to facilitate one of these Trafford Centre dates (this happened a couple of times) I recall being left in the Trafford Centre cinema alone for two hours to watch either Paul Blart Mall Cop 1 or Paul Blart Mall Cop 2 (if this is where I watched Paul Blart Mall Cop 1, then I watched it on this day). After or before the movie, I found my way into a Game store, and there I bought two objects: Rabbids Go Home, a beautiful game where you wheel people around in shopping carts as our erratic ambiguous comfortable-in-their-own-individualities-and-all-forms-of-personal-expression Rabbids, and a foam Rabbid Wiimote Cover, where to press the B button on the back you must stick your index finger into a Rabbid Mouth. The Rabbids were originally a Michel Ancel sketch, made in a few minutes as a peace offering to the Rayman 4 team whilst the Rayman creator was busy making a game about a pig who runs an orphanage, and soon Rayman 4 turned into a minigame collection centred around this brief tossed-off sketch, soon a franchise dead-set on ignoring whatever a Rayman is and focusing on what really counts: funny little troll people that go BWAHH! Back in 2006 and 2007, one of the first things I used YouTube for was watching little 30 second Rabbids adverts in 240p, where the set-up was always here is a Rabbid and he is doing a basic human daily task in the real world, and the pay-off is always the Rabbid being pushed or confused a little and then it goes BWAHH; some could argue that these short films double as autistic texts, the world as a harsh confusing environment where innanity leads to internal-external violence.
About Bio Miracle Bokutte Upa
Have you ever wanted to be a baby with a rattle that can make animals float and you can crawl through cake and run around and some other stuff maybe: well this baby is a miracle, a Bio Miracle who is, some might say, Bokutte Upa.
Gameplay and Features
- Many creatures try to fight this baby! But you can stop them!
- No need for swords when you have a rattle and a dream!
- There is a terrible mastermind villain behind it all probably!
- I wouldn't know if there's a villain as I cannot beat it!
- I am bad at it as I am bad at all video games!
- I like video games conceptually but in reality absolutely not!
- 40+ hours learning the most useless skill: this one game!
- Don't worry! All communities surrounding games suck too!
The Conspectus Keeper
She keeps riddles, an army of riddles at her side. She floats as if a bubble in a vacuum, asking God herself why she has no organs, just more bones, bones shaped-of and replacing kidneys and livers and hearts, connected by coupling rods and meccano gears made too of only more bones, whirring mechanically and incorrectly to keep her breathing and floating as if she were alive.
God did what God does not do, for just this once, and God answered! With almost a purr, lodging-directly into the almond-sized God-receiving gland we all secretly have, right at the back of our brain tissue, waiting for the day our doting deity finally deigns to DM us back, God struck into her mind and said thusly: you are the ideal, all fighting to be the ideal, and you are my favourite!
After receiving this news, easily mistaken as delusion, the future Conspectus Keeper wandered around Dagenham in a daze of anger and anguish; why was she given this knowledge, this mission, this favouritism? The purpose of humanity was bland, a moodboard for a being above, and this purpose had been fulfilled, via her? Only her? and this did nothing to change the human condition, the suffering of our species, for anyone? Not even for the one who had finally justified us?
The response was obvious. She scraped away all identity, leaving no facsimile, and set out upon herself the task of judgement, creating from herself the omnipotent judge that God could never be, guarding a gate between humanity and purpose, a new gate and a new purpose, now fit for the eons of suffering that had been sat by these here incumbents.
She would go about the world, with her riddles and her organlessness (her brain is metaphorical) searching for folks and friends and folly-fiends who befit the purpose, welcoming them into a higher plane of being. You may meet her one day, in passing as she searches. You will meet her one day, if you do it, if you win! If you somehow pass the threshold of knowledge, bite into the neo-forbidden fruit, then she will find you. You will be thusly adapted into the new hierarchy of purpose, for there is now an all-supporting non-superficial pure-rewarding pain-justifying tear-inducing world-conquering purpose-purpose, that can now be achieved by more than one-in-thirty-billion! Godspeed to all of you.
